That Moment

The moment I decided to stop pleasing my family... stop giving and giving and going out of my way.... family found me... and they actually care... we write everyday now, and for the first time I actually feel accepted by someone other than my sister.  I had no idea that I could not see someone for so many years, and feel like they never even left in the first place.  They plan to see the film, which worries me a little, but somehow I know they won't judge me.  I wish I could see them, but money is tight and I have no vacation... someday I will, my children will, and my husband will meet the family that never ever really abandoned me.

I guess this goes to prove the advice I gave you all a while ago.  You don't need people who do nothing but ask of you... and when you realize that, something, or someone good, and genuine will come along to fill the void.

Thank you Uncle Jimmy, and Aunt Christine, and Uncle George...

Happiest Days Of My Life

And so I have actually gotten married January 30th 2010.  Both of my children were there, and I couldn't be happier.  Maybe it really does have a "fairy-tale" ending for those of us who didn't grow up "just right".  Maybe because we may have spent our lives so miserable, we know a great thing when we find it.  My wedding was a small thing, and I wore a regular prom dress instead of the typical wedding gown with the huge train and inability to breathe. But it was the happiest day of my life aside from my angels coming into the world.  Perhaps whoever is reading this might see that you aren't alone, and it does get better in time.  If you need help finding that perfect dress, or the rings, or decorations, or anything, let me know. I've given a few suggestions for those on tight budgets like me...

October Once Again

Here it is... October 18th... October again... The fall is here, and behind all the beauty of the colors in the trees, and the sunlight flowing through the leaves... there is a certain emptiness. Something is missing, or rather, someone. Though I am not sure what year, I know that on Otober 30th, a little brother was born... He is late in his teens now, and I have met him.... But only as Daneal, and not as his big sister. We lost him so many years ago, and right around this time every year I begin to think how different it would have been if we hadn't. Sawyer... my baby brother... and he does not know me. It is quite different from my sister Megan, she knew she had another family somewhere.... he thinks we are dead...

Our film was so appropriately named... October Country... since it seems that no matter what it is that happens to us, it is always in October... or somewhere around there. Maybe it is a curse for us... or maybe we bring it all on ourselves...

Happy Birthday to a lost Mosher child...

U-TURN

So, I get to sit here with my son and my daughter, and think about how much everything has changed since my Uncles stopped filming October Country. I get to wonder what everyone who has seen it thinks of me, and pry horrible thing they might be saying out of my own mind. I watched the film about an hour ago... and Iusually end up thinking all of those horrible things you may be thinking right now. But today something was different. I noticed that every time you had seen me, i was high on one painkiller or another, and I remembered that I have 578 days clean. I realized that when you saw me last, I had nothing going for me at all, except for my uncanny ability to drink and drug without my family noticing. And I compared all of my faults and mistakes from them, to everything now. I have my daughter every weekend now, and we have a great relationship. The butterflies I get in my stomach when she sees me and shouts 'MOMMY!' are unlike anything I have ever felt before. Her smile and her voice, even the way she tries to look cute when she knows she's done something wrong helps me to be a better mother than I have been. My son, Abel, showed me that I could be better, and still shows me every single time he smiles up at me, and giggles his cute little baby laugh. Even when he is at his worst he still conjures up a patience and understanding that has never been there before. He makes me feel needed, and he doesn't have to say he loves me for me to know he does.

My life has taken a complete U-Turn. I made horrible choices when it came to men, and now I have a wonderful man who wants to make me his wife. I used to be a bad mom, and now my children love me, and I know that there is nothing I wouldn't do for them.

It's Strange Pt. 2

So it seems that even when you are finished with the constant drama of high-school and friends who steal your boyfriends, there it still the constant bickering of a family you may or may not have ever really known. You can spend your entire life trying to impress a family that isn't really there. You can do anything in your power to make life easier for them, and go out of your way as much as you can. Spend thousands of dollars on your family and never get so much as a thank you.

Take into consideration here, that although you knew who these "family members" are, they may have never been there when you needed them before you go into an all out cry-fest. It is true that family is supposed to be the only thing you really have in the end, however, if they were never there to begin with, how can you put faith in them? Don't get angry. Don't bother yourself with the petty instigation's they throw your way, it isn't worth your struggle. The only thing they are doing is taking advantage of the fact that you are easy to either intimidate, or use to the fullest.

The other side here is that maybe you were the wayward one, and haven't been there for them. Everyone deserves a second chance, but how many chances have you had? And how many times have you let them down. So before you get upset in this case, make sure you remember all of this.

Family is supposed to stick together through thick and thin... but sometimes you have to make your own family, and sometimes, that is better than what you started with in the first place.

She Can

She can speak to him like no other, he knows all of her fears, hopes, and dreams. He holds her strong when she is weak and keeps her steady when she shakes. They spend their days apart, though the time they have is cherished. She sees an angel while he sleeps but sees a knight when he wakes. Moments they share are sparse, yet every time she looks at him, she falls in love all over again.

A Work Of My Mother

LAST NIGHT I DREAMED ABOUT YOU

Last night I dreamed about you;
Why, I do not know.

I know neither your name,
Nor where you came from.

A place from the darkest regions
Of my mind?

A part of a fantasy,
High upon the misty mountains?

Within the shadows,
I hear the faint and distant
Cries of a banshee.


I can never see you,
Nor can I see your eyes.


You ask me, How then, Do I
Dream if I cannot see who I dream about.

I feel you. I feel the sting
f your fiery stare, The icy fingers that reach for my hand.

I can hear your blood-curdling screams
For the fear that rises somewhere within your soul.

Come out of hiding, Take my hand.
Learn to love, and live.

Last night I dreamed about you.

Written by: Donna Mosher
January 9th, 1985

It's Strange Pt. 1

Remember when we were all kids, and the only things we had to worry about were skinned knees, and getting inside before dark so our mothers didn't yell? When getting grounded was the absolute worst punishment because it meant we couldn't go outside and play? How quickly it all changed amazes me.

All of the sudden we all woke up, and some of us were graduating, some were in jail, and others were home with their kids. I had never expected it to be this way. The ones that were supposed to go to college after high school ended up working dead-end jobs, or not at all while trying to support their young family. However, the ones that were trying their hardest to be "The Rebel"... actually went somewhere and made something of themselves and their lives. The ones that never cared about anything, suddenly have everything that everyone else deserved.

Life twists and turns in so many different directions, mostly demented. Some people walk all over each other to get what they while, while the ones they are walking on lose everything.