U-TURN

So, I get to sit here with my son and my daughter, and think about how much everything has changed since my Uncles stopped filming October Country. I get to wonder what everyone who has seen it thinks of me, and pry horrible thing they might be saying out of my own mind. I watched the film about an hour ago... and Iusually end up thinking all of those horrible things you may be thinking right now. But today something was different. I noticed that every time you had seen me, i was high on one painkiller or another, and I remembered that I have 578 days clean. I realized that when you saw me last, I had nothing going for me at all, except for my uncanny ability to drink and drug without my family noticing. And I compared all of my faults and mistakes from them, to everything now. I have my daughter every weekend now, and we have a great relationship. The butterflies I get in my stomach when she sees me and shouts 'MOMMY!' are unlike anything I have ever felt before. Her smile and her voice, even the way she tries to look cute when she knows she's done something wrong helps me to be a better mother than I have been. My son, Abel, showed me that I could be better, and still shows me every single time he smiles up at me, and giggles his cute little baby laugh. Even when he is at his worst he still conjures up a patience and understanding that has never been there before. He makes me feel needed, and he doesn't have to say he loves me for me to know he does.

My life has taken a complete U-Turn. I made horrible choices when it came to men, and now I have a wonderful man who wants to make me his wife. I used to be a bad mom, and now my children love me, and I know that there is nothing I wouldn't do for them.